Attachment theory

In a nutshell

It feels like there is a rising awareness around attachment theory. It reminds me of when I discovered The Five Love Languages; my eyes were opened to a new way of seeing love and connection that forever changed my view of relationships. Your loved one might not buy you flowers, but they’ll make sure your car is taxed and MOT’d. They might not say “I love you”, but you’ll never walk down the street empty handed. By becoming fluent in each other’s love languages, we are able to meet our partner’s needs and not only show but receive love in the way it’s intended.

In a nutshell: attachment theory

What is attachment theory, and how does it apply to me?

Attachment theory falls within the psychodynamic school of thought. These are the guys who believe our childhood experiences shape how we live in the present. The Freuds, the Eriksons, etc.

This is the party where you’ll overhear conversations about The Oedipus Complex, making the unconscious conscious, psychosocial/sexual stages of development, and of course… the mighty id, ego, and superego.

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth from the 1950s. The basic premise is that as infants we require a consistent caregiver from which we can create a secure base. With security established, we have a safe attachment figure to explore from and return to. If this security is disrupted or compromised, we form an anxious or avoidant attachment style which affects our behaviour and relationships for life.

The attachment styles

Secure attachment.
The fair and frank; they see things how they are and react appropriately.

How secure attachment looks in relationships:

• Comfortable with intimacy

• Not too worried or jealous about their partner’s whereabouts or actions

• Emotionally regulated, not too reactive or changeable in their moods

As a child, secure attachment is formed by having a parent, parents, or parental figure(s) who were present and tuned in to their child’s emotions. The child would have shown (appropriate) distress when separated from their caregiver, and happiness when reunited. Internally, they are confident their parent will be there when they get back.

This grounding has afforded them security in their relationships. It means they’ll be comfortable with their partner going out as they have belief they will return. They’re confident their partner is faithful unless given a reasonable reason to question it. They are happy in the belief that intimacy is a normal and natural part of a relationship, without weight or weaponisation.

Best paired with: any attachment style.

Anxious attachment.
The “please don’t leave me”s

How anxious attachment looks in relationships:

• Falling fast and hard

• Becoming somewhat consumed by the relationship; the good and the bad

• High highs, low lows

As a child, anxious attachment is formed by inconsistent caregiving. This creates an environment of uncertainty in terms of whether or not their needs will be met. When separated from their parent they would have shown distress, and when reunited the distress would not abate.

As adults, they’ll have low self-esteem and feel dependent – ‘clingy’ – on others. In relationships they’ll desperately crave intimacy, but they’ll have difficulty trusting. They’ll often create co-dependant relationships where they do everything together… whilst feeling jealous and unsettled if left on their own.

Paradoxically, if a partner can prove themselves to be a secure base, the anxiously attached will become more independent. Their anxiety will evaporate and leave them forever. (In the right relationship…!).

Best paired with: securely attached partners.

Avoidant attachment.
The “I’ll leave you first”s

How this looks in relationships:

• Self-sufficiency

• Critical – of themselves, their partner, the relationship

• Uncomfortable being ‘tethered’ to another person

As a child, avoidant attachment is formed by unavailable or rejecting parents, where needs were often not met. When separated from their parent they would have kept quiet, and when reunited they may not show emotion or even turn the other way.

As adults, they are fiercely independent and rely only on themselves. In relationships they’ll avoid intimacy and court freedom. They’ll often stray, and end relationships should they start feeling too close.

But the real kicker is that they do want and need to be loved, just as much as everyone. Consistency, patience, kindness, and communication is the way through avoidant attachment.

Best paired with: securely attached partners.

Disorganised attachment.
I need you, don’t get too close.

How this looks in relationships:

• Inconsistent and often confusing

• “Toxic” – explosive, abusive, intense

• Lonely

As a child, the disorganised attachment style – a blend of anxious and avoidant – is formed through trauma. When separated from their parent they may have cried or kept quiet, and when reunited… well, perhaps they never were reunited.

As adults, their relationships with romantic partners, friends and colleagues alike are… chaotic. They crave intimacy but reject it when it comes. They are searching for something, but they don’t know what and won’t know when they’ve found it. They won’t know how to take accountability for their actions, instead preferring to ‘start again’… with someone else.

Best paired with: securely attached partners.

With all the attachment styles, it’s vital to learn about yourself and how your upbringing has impacted your behaviour and relationships. Without this self-awareness, existing with others can be challenging.

So what’s your attachment style?

This is the Daddy of all quizzes. Don’t be fooled by the lo-fi-ness of the website, it’s the absolute bees knees.

In lieu of clicking away from this piece, here’s a quick little attachment quiz:

Read each statement and if any of them resonate with you, make a note of the category: A, B, or C. If they don’t chime strongly, just skip it.

• I’m scared that if we break up I won’t find anyone else (A)

• I’m uncomfortable when my partner gets too close (C)

• During arguments I tend to say things I later regret (A)

• I don’t question the relationship because of a single argument (B)

• My partner often urges me to be more intimately close (C)

• I worry I am not good looking enough (A)

• I might be seen as boring because I’m rather stable (B)

• I miss my partner, but when we’re together for long I miss my own space (C)

• I’m comfortable speaking up if I disagree with someone (B)

• I don’t like the feeling that someone else depends on me (C)

• I quickly get over jealousy if someone I’m involved in looks at other people (B)

• I am relieved if someone I’m involved with looks at other people because they won’t try to make things too serious (C)

• I get depressed if someone I’m involved with looks at other people (A)

• If someone I’m dating acts cold I wonder what’s happened, but I don’t think it’s about me (B)

• If someone I’m dating acts cold I am indifferent. Sometimes even relieved (C).

• If someone I’m dating acts cold I worry I’ve done something wrong (A)

• If my partner wants to break up I’ll try to show them what they’ll miss (A)

• If my partner of a few months wants to break up I’d be hurt but I’d get over it (B)

• Sometimes in a relationship I get what I want and then I’m not sure about what I want anymore (C)

• I have no problem in platonically staying in touch with an ex (B)

• I don’t create much drama in my relationships (B)

• I often worry my partner might get involved with someone else (A)

• Emotionally supporting my partner is not easy for me (C)

• When I’m single I’m more anxious and “incomplete” (A)

• I bounce back quickly after break ups (C)

• I fear that if someone knows the real me they won’t like me (A)

• It’s easy to be affectionate with my partner (B)

• I often worry my partner will stop loving me (A)

• I’m comfortable with being dependent on my partner (B)

• My independence comes first (C)

• I don’t share my deepest feelings with my partner (C)

• I’m afraid my partner will not return my feelings if I share them (A)

• I’m generally content with my relationships (B)

• I often think about my relationships (A)

• I don’t like being dependent on my romantic partner (C)

• I get attached very quickly (A)

• I express my needs and wants rather easily (B)

• Sometimes I’m angry and annoyed at my partner without a clear reason (C)

• I’m hypersensitive to my partner’s moods (A)

• If you’re honest, most people are also honest and dependable (B)

• I prefer casual sex to sex in committed relationships (C)

• I am comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings (B)

How did you score? Did one category come out on top? Can you work out what attachment style that links to? Let’s talk about it in the comments:

Secure attachment is what we’re all aiming for.

That being said, having an anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment style does not make you a f*ck up. But it might explain why you find certain things difficult in relationships, friendships, and in the office.

It’s also not a terminal diagnosis. It is possible to change your attachment style. It takes time, self-awareness, patience, and compassion.

One exercise to help: find your secure base

If you think you have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment style, it is incredibly useful to search your network and identify a secure base. This could be someone older or younger than you. They may be in a relationship, or they may be single. They may have children, or they may not. The key is that they are secure:

• They have good self-esteem

• They see themselves as loved, and competent

• They see others as co-operative, and dependable

• They are empathetic and understanding

• They set appropriate boundaries and uphold them

• They are able to ask for help and support when they need it

• They are comfortable being close to others

• They are able to bounce back from disappointment or rejection

• They are able to express their feelings

This is not about being a pushover or never having arguments. It’s someone who is comfortable in their skin, knows their worth, and knows their limits.

Once you have identified a secure base, you can use them as an example in your mind if you are unsure of how to deal with someone or something. What would they do in this situation? How would they respond to this person? Think about their general outlook on life and relationships and try and recall specific examples of how they have reacted or behaved in different scenarios. They can act as your internal emotional barometer.

If you can’t think of a person that fits this bill, stay with me, but think of a pet. Your dog will always greet you happily when you return to the house, even if they didn’t like being left alone. If they have misbehaved, you both get over it (eventually!). You’re happy to be in each other’s orbit, but you do your own thing.

If in doubt, your dog is your secure base. No, really.

Further reading

This is a surface level outline of attachment theory. I find it fascinating; plus, once you’ve delved in to this world, you start to see your friends, family and colleagues through a different lens.

My favourite book on attachment theory is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. It’s incredibly readable and not too science-y, it’s also good to listen to as an audiobook. I highly recommend it.

I wrote a tongue-in-cheek piece about Attachment at the airport bringing the attachment profiles to life somewhat.

Photo by Maksimas on Unsplash

Did you know about attachment theory? Do you know your attachment style? How has it impacted your behaviour and relationships through life? I’d love to talk more about it in the comments.